New Delta

It's been a long, lovely while since I've flown Delta. But here we go again. 

 I just did a ridiculously fast West Coast run for a study training. I left at 7:40am from New York, arrived in Seattle 11am had a meeting, wandered around, slept, and was back at the airport for a 7am flight back to New York. Quick trip with as many hours spent flying as being awake in my destination.  Anyway, I actually had the same flight crew on both flights (and oddly they didn't recognize me...). Not sure why this struck me as weird- but apparently I’m on the same schedule as Delta employees. It makes me feel like I should be able to monetize this somehow. Be a freelance flight attendant or something.

Whoa- new domestic safety video on Delta (or new to me). Lots of trying to be funny which I’m not sure I’m super into in a safety video (see TAP). Also, the real nerd in me recognizes the creepy red-headed woman from the old video in her cameo in the new one when she does the weird finger wagging about smoking (to a man who is smoking a comically large pipe). Put away your typewriter? Look at exits behind you, except man in neck brace? Triplets at the emergency exit row? I prefer my comedy after we are safely in flight.

Also why is turbulence now called “rough air”?

CDG Chairs

Why don’t airports want you to sleep? Charles du Gaulle has really outdone itself with designing the least comfortable chains in the world for sleeping in. I don’t understand the angle or the shape but it is not based on the human body. They are also super rigid with stiff armrests. Maybe they look “modern” but after a long flight and before another one, I can barely see let alone appreciate style.

I wonder if they think comfortable chairs to sleep in will cause people to miss their flights? If so, do they care if people miss their flights? They could make money overbooking, right?

Maybe they think if people are too comfortable they will start booking longer layovers to bask in the delight of sleeping in airport chairs? Not totally sure why this would be bad for them again…

The why is suspect but the effect is certain- the person who purchased these chairs did not want sleepers.

Talking to coseaters

I just don’t do it. Unless I’m on a flight to West Africa and want to practice my French, I’m a live and let live sort of person on a plane. I think it’s sort of weird to establish a bond with someone and then fall asleep right next to them. I’m also usually in the closest socially acceptable thing to pajamas while on a plane- it feels too intimate to make friends while in pajamas. I also don't want to be judged by someone I sort of know for the terrible movies I watch or for the way I explode the creamer all over myself multiple times in a flight. Anonymity is key.

Cameras on planes

I guess this is sort of nifty but it also frankly terrifies me. I like to put on my headphones and watch movies and pretend I’m NOT flying. Take off and landing are the worst parts- why would I want to see them?

Korean Air has mounted the camera below the plane and has some sort of zoom lens that makes everything below you as you land seem much closer than it is (hopefully). It felt like we were grazing the top of the cars on the highway in Long Island when we landed at JFK.

Air France has mounted the camera way up on the top of the tail so you can see the whole plane plus what is below. This was pretty disconcerting when we landed in Paris in a snowstorm and all that was visible was whiteness. If it weren’t for the camera I could have pretended that our captain could actually see what he was doing as he landed us.

The Doha Lounge

Let’s start with how to get to the lounge. This is usually sort of complicated in airports, but not at Doha. They gave everyone color-coded boarding passes. There is no way to be lost in the Qatar airport as you are carrying a boarding card that let’s all the helpers around (and there are zillions) direct you to the right place. These colors even indicate whether or not you are on a short transfer so you can get priority security check in if necessary. Prior to landing, there is an instructional video on the different terminals and how to navigate them.

Walking into the lounge felt like walking into an exclusive club. I felt like I needed a map or a tour before choosing a place to sit down so I could make an optimal decision. I did a quick walk around before settling in a spot and saw all sorts of people in various phases of being pampered or resting. The sleeping chairs were so nice- window facing around the perimeter of the room and surrounded by plants so there is privacy but you’re not sleeping in a weird dark enclosed room with strangers.  There was a game room with PS3s and a nursery for children; prayer rooms and a cloak room. And most of all free internet without stupid passwords!

Boy did I wish I was hungry. I had just been fed on my last flight so unfortunately wasn’t up for trying out all the different beautiful restaurants in the lounge (and me turning down free food is so rare!). I wasn’t totally sure of the protocol but flagged someone down and got a pot of tea to keep me awake until my next flight. So I got at least 50 cents worth of the benefits of being there. 

I'd like to say I will stop raving about Gulf Carriers but I'm taking Emirates for my return flight so I can't promise anything.

Qatar Airways

Sitting in the airport I was almost peeing in my pants with excitement to fly a gulf carrier- pen out, ready to take notes on the luxury.

The Africa Leg

While there were some definite perks this leg didn’t quite live up to my admittedly absurd expectations. Like all airlines, they use their crappier, older airplanes for Africa. They also clearly didn’t send the most motivated crew who seemed to oddly enough be Chinese-Americans. Sorta disappointing on that front. But just knocked my expectations down low enough to be wowed on the next leg.

The Asia Leg

I think heaven is probably a Qatar airways international flight in business (not coming from or going to Africa). I spent the eight hour flight either being in a coma-like sleep or being delighted by every detail that I noticed.

Most notably:

Hot towels: unlike some airlines where they clearly throw these in a microwave two seconds before take off so there are weird hot and cold patches, these towels were literally steaming. They were like a sauna in a washcloth. I couldn’t identify whatever scent they had on them but it was luxurious.

Leather bound menus and fresh flowers in a vase on the wall: Sure, this is totally unnecessary but it does make you feel like you’re in a restaurant instead of on a plane.

Gendered amenity kits: no idea what is in the man’s kit but mine was Salvator Ferragamo and came with hand cream, perfume, and lip balm. A note on hand cream, I don’t really get it. Doesn’t it just make your hands slippery? My friend lectured me that your hands age quickly and that is a spot that indicates your true age. Thing is, I don’t think I have ever noticed a person’s hands (unless they were slippery when shaken). That saying “I know it like the back of my hand” perplexes me because I’m reasonably sure I could never recognize my own hand-backs in a line up. I can’t picture my husband’s hands. Hands just aren’t on my radar (anyone want some fancy hand cream?).

Timing of things: you ordered your meal from the menu before take-off which made the food service portion go much faster. Also they gave you the noise-cancelling head sets immediately so you could pop them on before take-off.

Functional sinks: sinks on airplanes are a pet peeve of mine. The meager stream of water is always too close to the bowl so you end up touching the sides. You have to hold it down with one hand to wash the other. The sink bowls are made for carnies (small hands, smell of cabbage). And there is that mysterious sign that says “as a courtesy to your fellow passengers consider using your towel to wipe the sink”. What are people using these tiny sinks for that the drain can’t handle? Also, what towel? Do you mean the single ply toilet paper or the single ply tissue? Well Qatar airways has fixed the sink. It’s a regular sink-sized sink, this a regular faucet-sized faucet. You can press the red button for hot and the blue button for cold, and then the water flows without you having to hold it down. Also there are ACTUAL TOWELS.

Updates: The plane (to Asia) were newer and hence had little lights that indicated when you could use your cell phone, next to the fasten seat belt sign. There was also a new-addition to the regular lecture which was “no electronic cigarettes are permitted on board”. Wow, maybe that’s a thing here.

Pajamas: They gave me pajamas. And none of this one-size-fits-all bullshit, but the flight attendant came up to me and said “I’ve selected a size medium for you, however let me know if you’d like to change”. They are comfy and made of grey fleece. There were matching socks and an eyeshade all in a little bag. I’m such a sucker for little bags.

Seats: The seats (on the Asia leg, not the Africa one) lay out to 180 degrees and could be adjusted with only three sets if arrow buttons. None of this 15-button monstrosity on some airlines where you can never quite figure it out. Also there was a “save” button so when you’ve found the perfect position and then get up to go to the bathroom, you can get right back to your sweet spot.

Entertainment: So many movies. There were a few new releases, but then also a great selection of foreign films. And they were just the foreign films I wanted to see- not the high-brow, super famous ones I’ll hear about in the US anyway, but the dumb popular ones that I love. The equivalent of “The Vow” (which I’ve seen twice on planes) from each country. I watched a fabulous Egyptian romantic comedy (more later) and a pretty scandalous Bollywood film. Best of all, because we had the headsets on our seats when we arrived, I got through half a movie before we even took off.

$15 and two hours

I finished up my meetings, checked out of my kampala hotel, and had $15 worth of Ugandan shillings left and 2 hours to kill before leaving for my flight. The possibilities were endless. I went on a walk following the directions of the hotel receptionist toward a coffee shop I knew. Her instructions were decidedly wrong, as she told me to just continue straight until I got there when in fact, straight was not an option after about 200m. Anyway, I just wandered a little bit and it started to drizzle. I like a little drizzle, however this was inconceivable to every passing Boda-Boda that pulled over to try to “rescue me”/earn 50 cents for a ride, but those things are risky enough in bright sunshine, let alone rain. Eventually it started to pour so I jumped in a little restaurant and had a delicious chicken sandwich while the city got dumped on. I love finding little spots by chance- especially when I don’t end up with food poisoning afterward. 

Expired Money

My hotel in Mbale, for some reason, only accepted visa cards. That’s a new one. I had an Am Ex and a Mastercard on me. So I ended up having to pay for my week’s stay in cash. That wasn’t a huge deal because at this point, I keep stupid quantities of cash on me for such situations. However, this time when I paid they told me my dollars were expired! They even had the big heads!

The change desk in Kampala told me they’d give me a better rate if I changed a post-2006 bill, which was weird, but whatever. But in Mbale they do not accept pre-2006 bills as legal tender.

This lead to me having to go through my three different money hiding spots in the lobby and looking through all my bills for ones that were post-2006. Not pleasant.

At least now I can feel okay about leaving $1000 in my suitcase when I go out for the day, because apparently all that money is “expired”.

Entebbe Airport

Oh airports. Always something weird. 

There are the usual oddities at the Entebbe Airport- like not being allowed into the departures terminal if you arrive more than three hours before your flight (which those of us who are flight-paranoid and vastly overestimate the effects of traffic on the ride to the airport frequently are). Or having a series of weird 'gates within gates' AKA glass holding chambers where you go through security, wait an undeterminable amount of time, then go through another check to wait in the next one. Third time is the charm, and then you get to walk down a flight of stairs to get to the tarmac. 

But a really perplexing design issues at Entebbe Airport is how the parking lot and drop off area for departures, is two stories below the departures hall and there is no elevator or ramp. So when you get out of the car with all your baggage, you have to contend with two flights of stairs to check in. Thankfully there are some dudes there to help. Now these are either prisoners, or airport employees who wear surplus prison uniforms, but either way, not super confidence inspiring.

I’m currently sitting in the business class lounge which has some fantastic 80’s furniture. Black and tan leather couches in alternating colors with throw pillows.

There is also inexplicably this giant stone sculpture? Decoration? Non-functional fountain? Not sure.

Is peanut butter a liquid?

I bought a jar of peanut butter in Uganda for emergency snacking and left it in my backpack. Now what I learned in science was that a liquid was defined by its ability to flow. Regular old peanut butter does not flow. Security at Uganda disagreed with me but let me keep my peanut butter. Security at Thailand was furious.

Molestation vs Massage

I don’t go through the full-body scanner at security. The choice has something to do with thinking it is pointless, the frequency with which I fly and would be exposed to rays, and a distrust of TSA to properly maintain their machines.

So when you opt out of the machine, it’s a different experience depending on where you are.

In the US, as I’ve written before, you get a narrated molestation detailing every place they touch and what part of their hand they are going to use. 

In Belgium the security agent just said “and now it’s time for your free massage”!

In Thailand, they just let me walk around the machine and bypass the search altogether.

On makeup and travel...

On long international flights- the most delightful thing in the world upon take off are those hot towels that get passed around and the best possible thing you can do with them is to rub them all over your face. Perhaps even better is when you're in a hot country and they bring the cool towels- again to be immediately smeared all over your face. These operations cannot be done if you are wearing makeup. I think the airlines frown upon giant black smudges on their warm/cool towels.

Also- you're supposed to look bad, you're on a long international flight-- make up will not fix this.

BYOB on a plane

One more thing that fascinates me- preflight announcements on different airlines.  I feel like I've written about this before but my cursory scan didn't locate the post so no link.

The safety messages for airlines should be pretty standard, right? Most airlines are using the same planes, flying to the same places, and are theoretically subject to the same emergency situations.  But it is not so.

European airlines tend to teach about the "Brace Position" for crashing (which according to an infallible source, the Liam Nieson movie where someone gets eaten by a wolf every 2 minutes, bracing before a crash actually just causes your neck to snap).

Brussels Airways added one gem to their pre-flight instructions which was a stern warning that the only booze you're allowed to consume on board is that served to you by your flight attendants.  Is this that big an issue?  People BYOB onto a plane?

Paying it forward

On my flight I was asked not once but twice to switch seats so that pairs of people could sit together. The first time it was a serious downgrade from aisle seat to window seat but the second time was redeemed and I was back on the aisle plus had curried favor with the head flight attendant for having been so flexible. 

Thing is, it was a JOY to do this. I love traveling with a companion and would be devastated (okay maybe just super grumpy) if I couldn't sit next to them on a 7 hour flight. I arrive at Chinatown buses an hour early to ensure that Noah and I get a seat together so we can share headphones and listen to Dan Savage podcasts together or watch movies on a tiny telephone screen. 

So hopefully I just paid it forward and if ever I am not obscenely early for an accompanied trip (which frankly, will never happen), someone will swap seats with me J

Yelping the Lounge

Since I’m now apparently a business class snob I feel justified in not just reveling at the magic of business class lounges, but also critiquing them. Here’s how the one in Brussles stands up: 

Nice food, nice coffee maker, nice design… okay I really just want to talk about the bad stuff.

Demerit 1:  Bathroom located outside the lounge, down the hall.  This is annoying because when you want to use all your free toiletries from the plane to freshen up, you have to haul your carry-on with you (or be sketchy and leave it in the lounge unattended and hope that “see something, say something” isn’t a thing in Belgium… which is what I did).

Demerit 2:  There is no designated sleeping area. This means the snoring people (i.e. me) are mixed among the business people doing important business things.  I’ve written before about the awkwardness of sleeping with strangers in public but it’s way less awkward if it is in a designated area. While I definitely look like I belong on a prairie and not in a business class lounge, I am ever thankful for my giant maxi skirt which avoids too many accidental exposures while sleeping in a fully lit area with strangers.

Demerit 3: There is one teaser reclining chair.  There are probably 50 café chairs with tables, 20 upholstered seats, and 20 upholstered love seats, and then there is ONE reclining chair.  That means at any given time, one person gets to be comfortably sleeping.  The rest of us, cramped up in awkward supine positions on love seats stare greedily at them and lift our eye masks every time a flight is called just in case that lucky reclining chair person vacates so we can jump in.  No luck for me, I was asleep during the crucial moments and only witnessed a rainbow of different people on the throne.

Demerit 4: Normally I wouldn't even expect this but since the lounge at JFK made an announcement for the boarding of my flight to Brussles, I sort of thought that the lounge at Brussles would make an announcement about the boarding of my flight to Entebbe.  Totally wrong. And this is not to say that they didn't announce other flights, they did-- just not mine. I was deep into reading my novel and realized boarding had already started AND I was in the wrong terminal.  Nice to start the second leg of a trip with an adrenaline-pumping run through an airport.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the coffee machine had a great decaf cappuccino.

Deported

Outside the departures hall at JFK a man was wailing in handcuffs on his knees outside an armored van.  I was a little perplexed but my Guinean taxi driver knew exactly what that scene way-- he was being deported.

It was just heartbreaking.  :(

My new kindle

I'll admit to being a bit of a laggard when it comes to reading.

I really really like books.  You know how people sometimes ask you what you do in your spare time and you're supposed to say something quirky and exciting like "I'm an amateur pole vaulter" or "I'm a saxophonist in a jazz band" or "I make my own clothes".  My honest answer is "I read".

In contrast my husband doesn't even own any paper.  So he's been really into me getting a kindle, my friend who is also a big traveler (and who has an awesome blog here) is a total advocate, and then for Christmas I got one from my in-laws.  So it was time to give it a shot.

First step was buying a cover because I really really like to open a book.  Second step was to turn off the wi-fi because I want my book to give me all its attention, not to be scanning for signals.  So then I had what I thought was a reasonable device to take on this trip.

Features I love:

Percentage completed tracker: I'm a little bit competitive and a little bit of a numbers nerd (like I spend the whole time on the treadmill calculating what fraction of my workout is complete) so the little bar at the bottom that tells you how much of the book you have read is just awesome.

Weight: I bring a minimum of three paperbacks with me on every trip and that can really weigh a girl down.  I have dozens of books on my kindle and it weighs less than a regular book.

Things I'm not so into:

The airlines make you shut your kindle off during take off and landing!  THIS IS PRIME READING TIME.  Before they give you your headsets to watch bad movies, there is nothing to do BUT read.  And I"m sorry but international flights are going to have to carry English publications other than Time magazine if I'm every going to be convinced to take something when the flight attendant comes around.

Anyway, we'll see if this becomes a travel necessity.

Gun Check

Let me preface this by stating that I am completely ignorant of gun culture.  I was the kind of kid whose parents would call a friend's parents before a play date to see if they had a gun in the house and if so, the play date would be chez moi.  I don't totally understand the appeal of having a gun, would never want to shoot one, and frankly am not that into being in the general vicinity of one.

The guy checking in in front of me at the airline counter was checking a shotgun.  Can you seriously do that?  Apparently you can, but just to verify, I asked the desk agent who went on to give me a really long lecture about why I shouldn't be concerned and how it will be specially inspected and then kept in a separate holding area etc. Except I wasn't so concerned for my own safety, but more curious about why on earth you would ever fly to Portugal with a shotgun?  Is he going on vacation to kill things?  Is he attached to his gun like a child to his security blanket?  Are there mechanisms for gun rental if you really needed one while traveling?

Flight attendants

I am just fascinated by flight attendants.  I would love to get my hands on their guidebooks.  I'm sure there are crazy variations by airline and so many protocols for weird situations.  Is it written somewhere how many times they need to change their outfit during a flight?  How much of their tolerance for absurdities is related to the class of the seat the passenger bought and is that codified somewhere?  And while I'm sure this part isn't written in the book, I'd like to know who are the worst passengers and what are all the tiny mechanisms for taking revenge on them.

The lovely lovely day room

This is just a little ode to the lovely lovely day room

When I'm destroyed after a transatlantic flight
And arrive when it's day but it feels like the night
And my layover lasts not just minutes but hours
And airports are short on both beds and then showers
I just need a place to lay down my jet-lagged head
Maybe take a shower but mostly lie in bed
But who wants to pay a full night's rate for this place?
Enter the day room, the lovely, loveliest space