Business Class Imposter

I am a bit of a business class imposter. I am simply not bougie enough. I can dress the part and I’ve been doing it for long enough now that I don’t have to ask dumb questions (“is this free?” “what’s this towel for?”) but the area where it really becomes evident that I am a fraud comes with my pathological strategizing to maximize the consumption of free stuff.

You know how in college, in reaction to suddenly being far from your parents who magically took care of life’s subtle costs (toilet paper, ketchup, laundry detergent) the sticker shock of real life sends you into a mode wherein you quest for (often to comical extents) “free stuff”? The pursuit of “free stuff” was a huge driving force in my undergraduate years – esoteric lecture on something I’ve never heard of? Will there be free pizza? I wasn’t really planning on going into town but someone else is driving so it won’t cost me T fare? I’m in. I think this behavior, if not terribly refined, is pretty socially acceptable in college. The problem is, I never grew out of it. In fact it has morphed into a stage where I literally feel guilty not taking advantage of something free. (this is disastrous at an open bar).

This behavior is probably exacerbated by the fact that I live in the most expensive city in the world (okay, 27th, picky!) and I have a partner who literally sets a timer when he gets off the subway so he can get back in time to get a free transfer by bus.

The way I see it, there are different levels of severity when it comes to free-stuff-consumption. The most mild cases consist of the attitude “wow, I appreciate this free thing that I actually needed anyway”. The next level down seems to be “didn’t really need this but I guess I’ll take it, since it’s free”. My situation is more like “how can I rearrange my life to maximally take advantage of all free things, needed, wanted, or never heard of”. I am not a passive appreciator of free things; I am a strategic and proactive consumer. When I’m traveling business class, I feel like I owe it to Laura-One-Year-Ago-Who-Travelled-Economy to really take advantage of every courtesy. Some forms of this behavior are benign, like how I always accept a hot towel or take home the goody bag despite my lifetime supply of earplugs and grippy socks at home. However, I am not beyond depriving myself of sleep so I can see as many free movies as possible.

I’m currently in the Lufthansa business class lounge. I’ve had a decaf latte, a diet coke, a tonic with lime (I mean, the limes were already sliced, it would be criminal not to find some beverage with which to consume them). I’ve tried each of the three types of finger sandwiches and am contemplating a glass of white wine (which unlike the wine I normally drink, does not come in a box). In front of me is an absurd selection of empty dishes, glasses, mugs, and bowls. You see, I’m far too classy to reuse my plate or glass at this type of buffet, just not classy enough to not feel like it is my personal duty to eat and drink every free thing on the buffet (albeit little by little so I don’t blow my cover).

Now a little pre-take-off gluttony would not be so bad if it didn’t continue and even get worse on the plane. There I have two compounding neuroses 1) an inability to turn down something free and 2) a deep-seated but admittedly-insane belief that it hurts people’s feelings if I do not partake in what they are offering. I mean, the flight attendant already poured the champagne into flutes! I would be rude not to acknowledge her effort by having one! Plus it’s free champagne! Importantly, I’m not saving myself money because I would never have bought champagne on a plane nor paid to see a Vin Diesel movie. I am not a poor person. I am not 18. I do, presumably, have will power. WTF?

To be clear, I am never as gauche as to pocket consumables for later; there are no little jelly packets in my pockets nor rolls wrapped up in napkins in my bag. Also, I once stopped myself from having a Carlsburg on tap in the lounge in Frankfurt because it was 5:30am. Small victories.