The Fear Shame Shift

Fear is so annoying. I don't travel in the safest parts of the world but I also hate when people assume that these places are automatically frightening. However, once in a while during trips it occurs to me that maybe I AM in an unsafe situation... maybe something COULD happen to me. Which is then immediately followed by self-loathing for not trusting people just because I'm in a different cultural context... but then the fear comes back a little and I start planning what I would do just in case...

I really hate this but it is a distinct part of my travel. Perhaps it needs a good name, one more eloquent than those "shit, I guess I really AM in Africa" or "worst case scenario is looking pretty bad right now".

So I've had this twice in the last two days and both times involved being alone in a taxi with a driver in a city I didn't know at all. The first time, the driver was just really shifty. He was doing what I imagine was driving in circles which makes no sense here because the fare is flat. It doesn't help that I have no sense of the Bamako geography. Usually in these situations I take comfort in my phone where I always have the embassy programmed in, except this time my phone was out of credit. I went through how long it would take someone to know I was missing (a really long time). Eventually he let an old lady in the cab too and then I exhaled and felt totally safe... and then cursed myself for being scared.

But on my way home tonight the driver went in what I am sure is the opposite direction from my hotel and then turned down a dirt road. Alarm bells started going off. This time I had my phone but also had a fresh layer of shame for having overreacted (even if just in my mind) during the last taxi ride. I spent the whole ride home (where I got eventually) alternating between fear and shame.

I wish I truly was a fearless traveler... instead I have all the fears but just feel to ashamed to let them dictate my behavior... sounds healthy, huh?